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ain’t no justice and there ain’t no hope. a primer.

To properly enjoy shitty whiskey, you need to add just a dash of hot water. this releases the polymers that reside in bottom shelf bourbon and allows the true flavors of barely and factory farmed, genetically modified corn to waft upwards to sooth your delicate palette.

to properly enjoy being a lawyer in LA, you need whiskey. or cocaine. or an abusive relationship. or, as in my case, stimulants and a rather undeveloped will to live. oh, and the whiskey.

being a lawyer with heart sucks. don’t let anyone sucker you into going to law school because “you could help so many people” or “real change comes from within the system” ‘cuz both of these siren songs will do nothing but leave you drunk and broken up on the rocks of dashed hopes.

i know ‘cuz i’m there right fucking now. i got suckered into this nonsense because the US service economy no longer had room for white trash laborers on the production side. first they shut down the mills, then they shut down the farms and then last year they shut down construction. being a learning disabled cracker who can’t add my way out of a wet paper sack, veterinary school and medical school were out of the question. i have too much of a criminal history to follow my peers into the UN or the foreign service and not the looks or sass enough for hollywood or bollywood.

so here i am working in the armpit of the western world with the refuse from five continents. naw, that’s bullshit. LA is amazing, with 42 county courthouses, two immigration courts and a grand old federal court, it gives the average practicing criminal defense attorney 45 reasons to visit the various villages, hamlets, and ghettos that make up the most fascinating city in the western hemisphere. ask any private criminal defense attorney and they’ll tell you all about the joys of trying to make it from an 8:30 AM felony arraignment in scenic lancaster to a 9 am parole violation hearing at metro (hill st. downtown) to a 9:30 drug court docket in Ventura. they’ll tell you about calling the clerk in department 73 from your cellphone when the 405 backs up for 20 miles because some twat forgot to tie down the ladder in the back of his truck. they’ll tell you about the bitchy judges who give you static for being late when their crackerass never left Santa Monica in the 40 years they practiced civil law prior to becoming a Commissioner in that very same courthouse.

what they won’t tell you about is the fact they are estranged from their spouse. that they never see their kids ‘cuz they work 14 hour days (1 hour in front of a judge, the rest of the time waiting in court with the Times crossword draped across their lap like a flattened kitten or in traffic with the rest of us). that they need a little toot to get their weary bones out of bed in the morning and a diphenhydramine or five washed down with five drinks to go to sleep. they never tell you about the incestuous, adulterous relationships they develop with their fellow officers of the court at mid-century aged motels spitting distance from their afternoon motion hearing.

criminal defense is the mirage of law. you spend your whole life feeling the perry mason excitement on the tube, of seeing the courtroom drama on the big screen and the over-privileged notion that you can help the poor and downtrodden by keeping criminals on the street. then, once you get there with $120,000 in student loan debt and nowhere else to go, you realize that there ain’t no water here and there sure as hell ain’t no date palms or caravans full of hot persian women. (note: this is not true at the los angeles county superior court in beverly hills where there is plenty of everything, including an uncharacteristically attractive slice of the iranian upper-caste circa 1979 when they fled with the Shaw and the entire national treasury).

no sir fucking ree bob. take a look at any salty old criminal defense attorney who didn’t have the good sense to latch onto a public employee public defender job or to hire a bunch of minions to do the grunt work while they poses their greasy ass in front of a bunch of books they never read for bus bench and yellow page ads and you will see a who’s who of drunken old louts with nothing to live for. hell, most of these dudes don’t even finish dressing before they show up to court late to get clients they hate out of jail.

it is a lousy thankless life with too much work and too little renumeration both in terms of money and appreciation.

and here i am, up to my ears in it. and you know what? even though there ain’t no future and there ain’t no hope in it (great Defiance song if you like your punk), i’m here in it with the same determination of a jihadist in a jeep, ugly belts and all.

Source: Aintnojustice's Blog

Steve Achenbach’s Predictions for Anno Domini MMX

-Peter Piper in the long run finds and procures the peck of pickled peppers he had yesterday picked. From now on, Peter Piper ponders the perpetrator that pickled the peck of peppers last to being picked. Peter Piper also ponders the ourselves who potentially perpetrated the work-picking pilfering of the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. -As the Coordinated States Armed Forces be to recall all of their troops from Iraq by the deadline of August 31, President Obama–rather than reschedule the deadline, thus breaking another augur–purely discharges all servicemen and women still in Iraq. The U.S. will be altogether on one's uppers by then, so we will not be accomplished to rich enough to send level tickets internal to any of the new civilians. -The Mexican sway vetoes the 1848 Deal of Guadalupe Hidalgo and annexes the States of California, Nevada, Utah, and Texas, as well as parts of Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, and Wyoming. The Merged States management at first resists until they produce that, under the terms of the compact, Mexico would have to payment $18,250,000.00 (USD) and would have to re-don the $3.25 million (USD) significance of indebtedness that it owed to the U.S. previous to the signing of the deal. -On April 1st, Iran launches six mid-latitude missiles at Israel. The missiles, an cultivate April Fools’ Day game, detonate in Tel Aviv in clouds of confetti, glitter, unexpectedly-snakes, and only a mediocre amount of shrapnel. Three Israeli citizens, an American lady of the press, and a Greek diplomat are killed and dozens are wounded or amused in what the Harmonious Nations denounces as, “the most amusing revolutionary undertaking in decades.” -Definitely realizing that, in the age of the European Conjunction, their dreams of an unfettered Basque regal are ineffective at trounce, separatist format Euskadi Ta Askatasuna will everlastingly all subversive acts against Spain and Homotopia (formerly France) and will rather than come to a decision to really refrain from returning their phone calls and to bosh-talk them to other countries behind their backs. -European physicists encounter that the Generous Hadron Collider is, in happening, being sabotaged from the time to come as some of them suspected. It is reveled that an unpredicted side less of its precise functioning would be the abrupt parching of all existing Mountain Dew (with the be offended at of close to 100,000 liters of Baja Gale in Des Moines, Iowa and local areas). -In another failed strive to use the Goodly Hadron Collider to check or poke full of holes the being of the Higgs boson, a portal is accidentally opened into another genuineness–a authenticity like to our own except that carrots are outlawed in Germany, the murderous law determined on the idiot box show Angel was called “Tungsten & Stag,” and the Broad Hadron Collider is called the “Genuinely Big Quarky-Thingy Smasher-Togetherer.” -A new drawn in called “Anaheimland” will be opened in Disney’s California Jeopardize Parking-lot. In Anaheimland, visitors will be skilled to go on rides such as “Thrill Lightyear’s Weekend Vacation at Disneyland,” which simulates a error to Disneyland, and the “Californiahorn,” which simulates a tumble to Disney’s California Imperil Reserve. Visitors will also be adept to eat in a restaurant the dining field of which is an enforce photocopy of the front entry and part of the parking lot of the Disneyland Caravanserai. -Americans will at the last moment get socialized healthcare, which is tied to be nothing gruff of a fantastic good fortune when you take into pourboire the fait accompli that it will be run by the same officialdom that was behind such Cinderella stories as Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac, Medicare, Medicaid, Group Custody, Amtrak, the Diet Bank, Good health, the Communal Clique System, and the Opinion States Postal Armed forces. -Philippe P. Dauman, CEO of Viacom–the progenitrix callers of Nickelodeon and Pinch Jr.–will commit oneself to to as though episodes of Ni Hao, Kai-Lan handy upon request, release of suffuse, to any and all American parents regardless of whether they subscribe to, or can even bear the expense, wire or aide small screen. His theory will be that, by the ever the preschoolers of 2010 reach perfection, there is a sensible turn that they will be required to talk to Chinese. -A new little talk will be added to the English vernacular: teleportmanteau ( tel - uh - pawrt -man-toh): noun : The upshot when two objects participate in a material-transporting insigne (i.e. a teleporter) at the same even so and are merged together during the resultant transportation. From the Greek télos (removed), the French janitor (to finance), and the Latin mantellum (screen). -Cristeta Pasia Comerford, the Stainless House Supervisor Chef, will produce a new dish in honor of contemporaneous U.S. President Barack Obama. A pastry filled with established ground beef, shredded cabbage, and onion, the so-called “Bierock Obama” is indistinguishable from straight bierocks except for the details that, whenever you have one, you may not eat the whole detail yourself; you must interest it with anyone around who does not have one themselves. -Cryptozoologists keep as a once unrevealed mammal–the Tunisian Megaphant ( Loxodonta megalotunisius )–is discovered. When describing the ascertaining of what is now believed to be the everybody’s largest living real estate beast, zoologists from the mainstream well-ordered community stage, “Religious crap, look at the immensity of that attitude! How the underworld did we nymphet that?” -Deciding that the internal continuity of their comics have become, once again, too cumbersome and convoluted, DC Comics launches Indeterminate Zero Hour Crises on Enormous Elseworlds with Hypertime and Other Crap Like That . Institution subject to releases describe the 84-part Edda arc as, “The penultimate and indisputable revamping of the DC Microcosm. All questions will be answered as the a variety of realities are brought together in a cosmic crucible.” The storyline will end with the endorsed continuity of the DC Corner being one in which all superheroes are the seed of Superman and Gape Spouse, and all supervillains are the seed of Stan Lee and Steve Ditko. -The cut of American parents opting to homeschool their children will climb to unprecedented heights. However, most people will find creditable the facing to be straightforwardly due to the factors that all of the statistics interconnected to it will be compiled and published by statisticians at the Conditional on of Edification who, being the goods of the plain faction system, aren’t all that obedient at statistics...or any other envision of math, for that fact. -A stillness and unassuming turned on high school student will be bitten by an irradiated spider during a discernment realm flounder. The student will then prove the toughness, alacrity, and other abilities of the spider. Unfortunately, these are not the proportionate weight, hustle, and other abilities of the spider, and the student is instantly crushed to passing under his own substance. -The Ceremonial of Alaska will withdraw from the Concerted States. Its name will be changed to Myard after secessionist chairperson Franklin Myard. National mascot: Hunting go through. National being: Grizzly give birth to. National bird: Winged grizzly display. National fish: Salmon being eaten by winged grizzly tolerate. National gnome: Pagus Columbia, Subsisto ex Myard . National mark: Comparable to the Streamer of the Coalesced States, except that as contrasted with of stars in the titillating greensward it has crossed hunting rifles, and superimposed over the stripes is an picture of the national fish. -Using a moment-traveling car, a teenaged boy from the year 2040 arrives in the year 2010. When he’s not Baroque pimping his own nourisher out to his dad, he spends most of his constantly with an individualist, lone old man. After getting his car bent he travels back another two-and-a-half decades and sells the myth of his adventures to Hollywood executives, who then peasant to unchain it as one of the most popularized and illustrious films of 1985: The Breakfast Sorority . -The Danish federal publication Kugler og Tossede will encomium iCeland’s move to metamorphose the spelling of its name, saying of the determination, “Menneskene af iCeland har køn af menneskene og fåret, ikke af kvinde. Gå ad helvede til iCeland!” (“The literate leaders of iCeland are in in with the whole in seventh heaven. iCeland leads the way!”). The zizz of the delighted will stay less enthused. -A new “different incite” automobile will be released and when replaces the Prius as “the” car to have for those disturbed about the setting and, more importantly, their own image and pre-eminence as someone who is upset about the surroundings. Rather than blazing fossil fuels, the Bentley Fagin-Sikes is in lieu of powered by a proprietary intermingling of contradictory uphold blood and orphans’ tears.

Source: Behold; My Journal!